For the past few days, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend on Facebook: women complaining about their bodies and why they hate them(selves). Believe me, I’m not exempt: I do it too. But when does it stop for us? It’s hate-talk, just directed at ourselves.
The other day, I read a beautiful article titled, “So You’re Feeling Too Fat To Be Photographed?” on the blog My Friend Theresa Photography. She writes:
“In our warped minds pictures become frozen mirrors that we can stare at as we pick apart our features over and over again.”
Theresa had been in a serious car accident and realized that had the accident been fatal, her family would have had no photographs to remember her by. She posted a beautiful family portrait that she took and summed up exactly what WE don’t see when we look at our own photos:
©My Friend Theresa Photography
Do you know what my mom sees when she looks at this picture? Her beautiful family all together.
Do you know what my husband sees? The family he gained the moment he met me (and how much he looks like my dad…)
Do you know what my dad sees? The happy family he has worked for every day of his life.
Do you know what my brother sees? That he got away with wearing shorts…
This really struck me, and was incredibly poignant. Life is not about vanity. Life is about living. For those of us who have had weight loss surgery, we *should* know how incredibly lucky we are to have had a second chance at health and are most likely living a life that we never lived before. Enjoying every day with our spouses, kids, friends, loved ones. Being able to breathe, to walk, to dance, to MOVE. Still? We obsess about the number on the scale and the way we look. There’s always something to hate: right now, find everything to love.
When I moved to California, Jake told me that we are not allowed to have a scale in the house. I panicked. My entire life had been ruled by the numbers that I would see on there. When I started losing weight, those numbers validated everything for me. They showed me progress, they kept me on track, they kept me accountable…at least that’s what I told myself. The scale was just a new form of obsession since I was not able to eat my obsessions any more. And five years later, I was still ruled by it, and my fiance’ had the good sense to put a stop to those shenanigans right away.
Let me tell you what has changed in five years and what truly matters: it’s not the fluctuating number on the scale. It’s not the oft-changing size of my clothing or extra pounds that have snuck back on. It’s not how trendy or stylish my clothing is. It is my life, the one that I am living.
Since I’ve lost weight, I’ve done things that I’ve never dreamed possible. I danced. Not only did I dance, but I produced and choreographed a 50+ cast and crew burlesque and cabaret group. I’ve flown multiple times without needing a seat belt extender or being worried that I wouldn’t fit. I’ve run. I’ve walked. I’ve ridden a bike. I’ve run around with my nieces and nephews without getting winded. I’ve loved, I’ve lived, and I’m alive. I’m alive, and for the most part, healthy. My body moves. And right now, with no scale and no knowledge of what my actual weight is, I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been.
My body may not be perfect, but it’s doing things that five years ago were not even possible for me. I have friends who have limited mobility, who are confined to a wheelchair, and would give anything to be able to have their body do what mine can. How completely and utterly selfish and self-centered of me to not appreciate that, and to not look in the mirror and see how very lucky I am.
I’m begging you – us – to stop obsessing about the scale. Stop obsessing about the number on the label. Stop obsessing about the 5-10 lbs you may have put on. Look in the mirror RIGHT NOW and see how beautiful you are. How lucky you are to be able to breathe, move, and LIVE. And see yourself the way the people in your life do: amazing, special, and loved.
You are more than any number to them, I promise you that.
Trying so hard to reach goal was starting to be tough recently when the scale stopped moving in the right direction. Must admit it really did start getting to me. I made peace with the scale months ago & sworn never again would I let it make me nuts. Today I will give him a time out since he’s been a naughty boy. I’m looking away from that number and seeing all I have accomplished the last 2 years. Proud of me and ever so grateful for this gift given to me. Maybe I wont reach goal in my time frame, but it will happen
<3 Angela Bradley
Taunia,
This was a beautiful post. Thank you. You made my day. This is an important post for ALL women and girls to read and refer back to often, no matter what shape, size, ability. I hate that so many women and girls in our society focus on having the “perfect body” as the measure of being successful or worthy as a person. Of course seeing Gisele lose her pregnancy weight in a week (pssht, yeah…ok) or stories on how amazing Jennifer Hudson is now that she’s lost all of her weight (even though she’s always been a fabulous singer) definitely contribute to this. Think about when you see stories on celebrity women. In almost every one, focus is on their weight or bodies. Think about celebrity men…focus is almost never on their weight or bodies but more on their accomplishments. At any rate…my point is, this is something that is put on our girls and women and our worth should not be focused on that number on the scale or the size clothing we wear. We women don’t help with it either. How many times have I seen other women criticize their sister women too? It’s sick! We get enough crap from the media, men, clothing companies, diet companies, etc, about our sizes…women should lift each other up and not tear each other down.
I agree wholeheartedly about focusing on the good things. The photo example is great. How many times have I looked at a picture of myself and said “man, I look fat. I need to drop that 20 lbs.” Way too many is the answer. How about, “wow, I like this picture because it reminds me of the night I got a standing O from the audience at my gig,” or “this was the day my nephews and I got to hang out and have fun together.”
I started seeing a trainer for strength training a few weeks ago and his approach is very similar. I am not to touch my scale. I will only weigh in once a month and we’ll check my muscle to fat ratio once a month to see how my strength has improved. He doesn’t even want me to pick a specific “weight” to hit as a goal. As long as I am in the healthy range for my height and I feel good, that’s all that counts. His focus is on strength goals like “can you do 1 more squat than you did last week? Can you climb the stairs and not get as winded? Can you do a Romanian deadlift w/ a barbell instead of the dowel this week?” He even has me keep a notebook so I can see my improvements over time. “Wow, when I first started, I could only lift 10 lbs and now I can lift 25.” He wants me to focus on goals of strength, not on “did I hit this number on the scale this week or am I a size xyz this week.” It’s certainly a healthier approach and it helps keep my mind off of “what’s the scale going to say.” And here I was, a once a week weigh in person. It’s been challenging not to look, but it’s also made me focus on the more important things in life. How great that you have someone who is supportive and wants you to focus on the good things too…like you mentioned about being able to dance, ride a bike, etc. Honestly, life is too short to beat ourselves up and put ourselves down. Life is to be celebrated and enjoyed. It’s not enjoyable to be in a critical state and to hate on ourselves all the time. I for one, will pledge to stop. It might take some work, but I do not want to contribute to society’s warped mindset on our women and girls. I also value myself as a person. I am talented, smart, loving, a great friend, resourceful and many other things. My size or weight or body image has nothing to do with any of that.