Diva Taunia's Backstage Pass Official Blog

PROJECT BODYTALK

I found this website this morning when I was doing research on anxiety and eating disorders.  I'm really in love with this site, and I think it's incredibly powerful.  The focus right now seems to be a bit more on anorexia, but the content itself - body image - is one that many of us can relate to and have to deal with on a daily basis.

I was particularly moved by two of the audio clips:

Kelsey, Age 22 :  This could be me (her story, her emotions about it), the only difference being she stopped eating while I binged.  I'm pretty blown away by the level of maturity at age 22.  I'm 38 and I'm just now starting to get to a place where I can accept my body.  Granted, it's after a huge weight loss, and I also struggle with it daily.

Pat, Mid 60s:  I think Pat is more honest than most of us are.  It's frustrating for me to listen to, because I feel like the WLS community can often times be quite judgmental against their own, but also, because I know I've done this myself, and I'm embarrassed and shameful about it.

I am in a difficult place to balance:  I celebrate image post-op.  I have a radio show that highlights and features some of the best beauty and fashion products out there, and I love doing that.  I love the "Diva Glam!" part of life.  But I also struggle daily with self-image, and I struggle with finding a balance between celebrating that, and working to change the face of beauty and what that means, because beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, ages, and color. 

I think part of what I deal with now is guilt.  Guilt that I'm happy about what I look like, because I'm thinner now.  I'm glad that I can look in a mirror and be happy with what I see (when I'm fully clothed - naked is a whole other story), but I struggle with why I feel the way I do when I look at OLD pictures of me.  Why do I not see myself as beautiful in those pictures?  Why am I DISGUSTED by myself when I look at them?  Yes, I'm more likely disgusted with the behaviors that got me to that place, but I'm also just not happy with what I look like there.

I've always been much kinder to others than I have been myself.  I have many friends who struggled with their weight, and I honestly DO look at them and think THEY are beautiful.  I see their beauty on the inside and out, and I'm often upset with myself that I can't reflect that same genuine appreciation about myself and my body - old and new.  I still struggle with it constantly, I still worry daily about my weight, I still weigh like a crazy woman.  And I'm still desperate to not get fat again. 

But I'm working on it.  I think that's why I place so much emphasis on the "Diva Glam!" part of things:  because products make me happy, and I like what I feel like and look like when I use them.  Superficial?  Of course.  But again, where's the balance?  If these things make me happy,  I should be able to shift the image portion of things to what's fun, right?  And I think that's key for me:  having fun, appreciating the beauty of things in a fun way instead of berating myself.  And I try to extend that fun to everyone - any size.  Hopefully, when someone wins something on my show, it makes them happy, which in turn makes me happy.  We put so much pressure on ourselves physically, that it's nice to have some fun with our image every once in a while, and celebrate our bodies.

I'm going to keep an eye on Project Bodytalk, because I think the mission is an important one.  I'm still learning and growing, and doing my best.  I'll struggle sometimes, but I'll also keep working towards self-acceptance:  inside and out.  In fact, you may even see some audio from me up there soon...

Lane Bryant Says ABC, Fox Censored Plus-Size Lingerie Ad

I think we gots us a double standard.  Lane Bryant or Victoria's Secret.  Apparently, Fox and ABC will decide FOR YOU.

LET THE SHIT-STORM COMMENCE

A few days ago, Melting Mama exposed a "Bariatric Advocate," who proudly introduced herself as the "Face of A Bariatric Program."  MM was calling her out on some pretty horrible remarks this woman made on the Obesity Help message boards:

This, in turn, spurned a shit-storm of hate directed at this lady.   Part of me feels a little bad for her, because I think part of her intention was to try and find a tactful way of dealing with it, but really, she just thought she was being funny and didn't even realize how discriminatory was she was being about the people she advocates for.  Quite honestly, it made me furious to read not only because of her blatant disregard for the people she "helps," but because she, as a former fat-person, was being judgmental and discriminatory in the same way that she had probably been for most of her obese-life. (She has since deleted the post.)

And this is not the first time I've read/seen/heard this.

Unfortunately, I stopped reading the OH message boards and visiting obesityhelp.coma while back.  It seems like there were constant battles, constant insults, and really snarky people there.  Additionally, my contacts there - who I had formerly done some promotional exchanges with - just suddenly started ignoring me, my emails, and the winners of the prizes that they had promised on my radio show.  Not cool.  Not professional.  (And yeah, I'm still a little peeved that they asked me to be a feature in the magazine, with several emails back and forth, me taking the time to answer all of their questions and phone calls, and then being blown off  - with zero explanation.  If you don't like me, that's cool, but at least have enough respect to send a polite "no thanks" email back.) I want OH to be a positive place for me, but it never has been.  I get too disappointed by what I read there.  Anyhow, I disgress...

I keep feeling blown away by some really judgemental comments from people within the wls community, and this isn't limited to OH, it's everywhere.  Here's are a few examples:

"as I said "I FAILED" and I would NEVERhave RNY. I am healthy even tho i'm overweight and will just stay where I am at this point. I've seen wayyyy too many health issues with RNY and would choose being in a size 14 over those issues"

"The lady that does my mom's hair had RNY and sure doesn't look like she has.  I think she's put on a bunch of weight.  I was telling my mom some of the things that I'm not supposed to do after surgery (drink pop) and she said "the gal that does my hair drinks a ton of diet coke".  So I'm thinking it can't be the diet coke that made her put weight on (could it?) I'm guessing she isn't following the rules - and I have no clue how far out she is,,, 4+ years I'm guessing. "

Ah yes, the age-old "she's not following the rules."  We're always so ready to launch a verbal grenade at one of our own because we can't even entertain the thought that the choice that we've made, the surgery that we've placed all of our sanity and emotional strength into, can't POSSIBLY NOT be the miracle-cure we were hoping for.  And are there people who don't follow the rules?  Absolutely, I'm one of them.  Will you be one of them too?  Yep, so maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge.

A few weeks back, a well-known You Tuber had posted a picture of a girl wearing tight pants.  Apparently, she thought this girl should not be wearing them because she was on the chunky side.  I just thought that was INCREDIBLY judgmental.  To actually take. out. a. camera.  Oy.  And what was worse was that there were a gazillion comments joking and making fun of this poor girl - from the WLS community.

And then there was my Susan Powter video.  I actually had a debate with a good friend of  mine who felt incredibly upset by the comments she read on this video.  I had spoken about some comments that Susan made and that I had disagreed with.  The comments that followed - OH. MY. GOD.  Hateful, nasty comments towards Susan.  I had to do a follow-up video because of the hipocracy of it all.  My friend's point?  The WLS Community wants understanding and acceptance.  We're never going to get it if we turn around and launch verbal attacks on others that don't agree with us.  You can certainly disagree with her and her opinions, but throwing hate at her?  How is that helpful?  I don't get it.  I couldn't believe the amount of people who were ready to attack her in the nastiest of ways. You can do both:  disagree AND be respectful.

Look, I'm not perfect, I've judged too, I know I have.  It's hard not to because that's the kind of society we live in.  Our media gloats when there's "failure" and exposes that for every embarrassing second it can. I think you have to be pretty damn-near perfect to not fall into the trap of the "omg, what happened to him/her!" mentality every once in a while.

BUT.

I think that this is a perfect example of "remember where you came from."  Remember how it felt to be judged, to be stereotyped, to be looked it, to be made fun of.  REMEMBER IT.  Just because you've lost weight does NOT give you the right to pass judgment on someone else.  And geezus, in the very same community that you yourself came to/go to for support.

I know snarky can sometimes be funny, and I know that we can make fun of ourselves and each other in a loving and supportive way too.  But judgmental comments like the above stuff?  Not funny.  Not helpful.  Not good.  We've got to work to be better to each other.  Weight loss maintenance isn't a one year or two year thing, it's for life.  Support is needed FOR LIFE. 

We need to give what we get.  Myself included.  I do my best to be a positive role model, but I'm human, and I slip sometimes too.  But I'm working at it, as we all should. 

Come on, lovelies, we're better than this. 

THE THINNEST OF THE FATTEST

My friend Dr. Sheila sent me this link today, about a new ABC Series called "Huge," a new one-hour drama premiering this year. "Huge" is a new drama about a "fat camp" for teens.  It's starring Hayley Hasslehoff (yes, The Hoff's daughter) and Nikki Blonksy, of "Hairspray" fame.  The Huffington Post "Hayley will play the hottest and thinnest girl at the camp who considers herself too big."   The hottest, thinnest girl of the at girls.

That's Hayley over there to the left.  She's playing a fat girl.  And I just looked her up on IMDB and found out she's 20 yrs younger than me(!) - gah. I'm fairly certain that if she were at my school or in my circle of friends when I was kid, I would have never left my house.  EVER.

This got me thinking about identity and the MESSED UP ways we define ourselves - even in our own "safe" circle of friends.  Because I know I've been in situations where I have been in a group of my friends - all of us overweight and struggling (Weight Watchers, anyone!?) and there's always the immediate comparison of who's the fattest, who's the smallest of the fattest...and you define yourself by your weight even within a group where everyone shares the same struggles and social stigmas.

These are your friends: supportive and loving and caring, but that comparison is still there. Maybe not on a surface level, but it's there. I used to be the biggest, now I'm not, and it's a weird identity for me. And I think at times it was difficult for the other people in my life because everyone's definition of me had to change.  I was no longer the Fat Diva.  And I was openly and excitedly celebrating my weight, or lack of weight.  And I was obnoxious about it sometimes, I know I was.

It bothers me that even as an adult, and a thinner adult, I immediately scan the room to see who's bigger/smaller than me.  Who's prettier, who's plain.  As a logical and mature adult, I have a hard time understanding why my self-esteem easily and immediately goes there, and it's something that I hate about my own self-esteem.  (And I should mention that after my initial comparison is done, I then become an adult again and start appreciating what's beautiful about every person in the room.  At least there's been progress in my life there.)

I'm interested to see how they tackle self-esteem and health issues with this show.  I hope it's something that will be empowering, and that helps teens to grow up without scanning the room and beginning a comparison.  Fingers crossed.   

WHOO, LORDY! IT PAINS ME TO SAY THESE THINGS...